The worst show in the history of television wrapped it all up recently after an increasingly frustrating and nonsensical six year run. In this age of reality television (which I love, but also hate, but, you know, love to hate and hate to love), it's really fucking hard work being the Worst Show on Television. The Worst Show on Television is competing with Bret Michaels, Flavor Flav, random skanks who used to be on Rock of Love and Flavor of Love, shows about cougars and Real Housewives and exterminators and guys who eat strange food for a living, with Lipstick Jungle and Cashmere Mafia and Eyeliner Ninja Death Squad and Spray-on-tan Ballcutteroffers. But still, amid all this competition, the L Word has managed to distinguish itself as the Worst Show on Television.
Let me interject here to say that yes, I have seen every fucking episode of the Worst Show on Television, and that yes, this is my problem -- not yours, not even the idiot reponsible for the Worst Show on Television. For some reason, I have been unable to turn away. I am not proud of this. Were I a lesbian, then I might have a decent excuse. If the show still featured lots of naked hot chicks making out, then (as a heterosexual male) I would still have an excuse. But as of late (the past few seasons), the hot naked chick factor has been increasingly dialed down. And I'm not a lesbian. And there are plenty of crappy shows aimed directly at my demographic. What I'm trying to say is that I have seen every episode of this godforsaken show, and I know that's my problem, but I'm going to bitch about it anyway.
If you haven't been following along with the L Word, then I suppose I should mention that the show follows the trials and tribulations (and oh, the tribulations!) of a group of upscale lesbians in Los Angeles. Sigh. That's about all I can manage in terms of explanation. That much is embarrassing enough. What you really need to know is that the show is just about the hokiest, hackiest show that's ever been on television.
Characters change completely from episode to episode and from season to season. One season, Jennifer Beals is kidnapping her adopted daughter, mumbling and scheming like Dr. Evil and headed toward the wilderness of Canada. The next season she's settled into domestic bliss with her partner and the once-stolen baby. Jesus, shit like this happens all the time. I mean, all the fucking time.
Every single thing that happens is telegraphed at least four times in advance. For instance, is a character going to stare down and potentially kill another character by maybe pushing them off a balcony? Then we should mention -- one time, two times, three or four times, at least -- that that balcony is missing a railing. How to mention that? Dwell on the pink ribbon acting as a railing? Check. Have a character say "we need to put a railing on that balcony?" Check. Have another character say the exact same thing? Check. Have another character mention that the building isn't finished yet, and they still need to put a railing on the balcony? Check check fucking check.
What might take five minutes on The Wire would take a full half season on the L Word. It is, in fact, in just about any measure, the anti Wire.
Why did I keep on watching? Shit, why to do I still know all the lyrics to "Missing You" by John Waite? The answer to both is a humiliating "I don't know." It's part of my brain, and my life, I will never get back, intellectual and spiritual microwave burritos.
I take that back, microwave burritos are pretty fucking good.
This season, however, was the most annoying season ever. We were told, those idiot loyal viewers that we are, that The Most Annoying Character on the Worst Television Show Ever was going to die. Finally, we thought, a sensible decision. The Most Annoying Character on the Worst Television Show Ever should really, really die. This make sense.
This character is one Jennifer Schecter. Think of the most annoying person you've ever known in your entire life. Got it? Okay, now mulitply by one billion, then add in Sarah Palin, muliply by Rush Limbaugh, add the sum total of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. That is how annoying this character was.
So...killing her off seemed like a great idea. At the beginning of the season, no less. Finally, for once, brilliant! You will kill The Most Annoying Character from the Worst Show Ever, and then we will all celebrate. Then for the rest of the season there will be this tension thing, right, like, Who Killed Jenny? Like, all these stupid characters will finally have a good reason to fight with each other, distrust each other, there will be something really interesting (and satisfying -- let's not forget that the Most Annoying Character on the Worst Show Ever has officially been killed) to follow on this goddam show. Right?
But that's not, of course, how it went down.
How it went down was this: first episode, tell us she's dead. Send in Lucy Lawless as a hot, most likely lesbian cop investigating the crime. Then -- and here is where it all started to go bad, about ten minutes into the first episode -- spend the whole rest of the season manipulating stupid scenes in which every single character on the show says "I'm gonna kill you, Jenny Schecter!" Then have all this build up to a final episode where...where...I know, you're waiting for it, right, for the big ending, the big satisfying Jenn is dead who killed Jenny thing all gets resolved, because they had a whole advertising campaign about Who Killed Jenny, and we know that the creator's next series is rumored to be some women's prison debacle, right? Right?
That's not how it went down. How it went down was some kind of weird interrogation montage where everybody just kept on saying how close knit they all were and how they rely on each other and all this crap that may or may not mean they were covering up for each other, or might just be some kind of weird affirmation about this particular group of fictional friends or, more likely, of this particular shitty television show and the little stupid world that it created. What's sure is that we never really find out Who Fucking Killed Jenny. It ends with this weird glamour shot thing, all the stars walking toward the camera with full on Sunset Tans, in ones and then twos and then threes. I'm telling you, if you felt like the Sopranos finale was unsatisfying, you should watch this fucker. Sigh, again.
And so the Worst Television Show Ever goes out with what is probably a fitting whimper: annoying, nonsensical, unsatisfying, and stupid. At least I have an hour a week of my life back. I think I'll take advantage of that by watching Rock of Love Bus twice.
(cross-posted from Barrelhouse)
